I wrote a play called The Oodles and you can read it now

This year has been, for lack of a better word, something.

I entered the jungle of the job market, went on a few literal safaris in South Africa, traveled to Hong Kong for five days just because, watched LLMs scoop up work from artists I greatly respect, figured out how to make Chinese milk bread, and wrote a short one-act play that was actually staged with a director, actors, props, the works!

And I'd love for you to read it. Because in these odd times, a little silliness can hopefully make a difference.

THE OODLES

A play in one act by Lester Isaac Simon

CHARACTERS

THE INVENTOR: A brilliant but lonely and unhappy scientist who thinks they’ve cracked synthetic lifeforms. 

NOODLE: A brilliant, synthetic lifeform and a total goofball.

DOODLE: A brilliant, synthetic lifeform and also a total goofball.

PUMPKIN PIE: The inventor’s blind date. Not their real name. 

DIRECTOR’S NOTE

The characters do not have any set gender identities. They can be literally whoever. Director’s choice, so long as the outcome is very, very silly, whimsical, and a little bit sad.

THE PLAY

Lights up on the lab of the INVENTOR. The stage should be mostly bare, except for two chairs at the center, where sit NOODLE and DOODLE, two synthetic lifeforms wearing very plain clothing (scrubs would be great, but just very plain clothes also works). They have not yet awoken. The INVENTOR wears more ragged formalwear and a lab coat, like a university professor who hasn’t slept in several months. Upstage there is a large object covered by a sheet.

INVENTOR

After years of blood, sweat, and toil, my synthetic companions are ready! Arise, you beautiful testaments to my absolute genius, arise!

NOODLE and DOODLE open their eyes and look around with amusement and curiosity. Immediately it’s clear that they love mischief.

INVENTOR

Yes, yes! It worked! They live! Come, Sagan and Margulis, you marvels of science… 

NOODLE

Noodle!

DOODLE

Doodle!

INVENTOR

…what? I said, arise, Sagan and Margulis!

NOODLE

I’m not Sagan!

DOODLE

And I’m not Mar-goo-lees!

NOODLE

I’m Noodle, and this is Doodle.

DOODLE

I’m Doodle, and this is Noodle. We’re Oodles!

INVENTOR

You’re what?

NOODLE

We’re Oodles! 

INVENTOR

No! You’re Sagan and Margulis, synthetic beings created to surpass human intelligence, named for one of science’s great pairs! 

DOODLE

That’s what we said. We’re Oodles!

NOODLE

It’s very logical. 

DOODLE

Makes lots and lots of sense.

NOODLE

We make sense. 

DOODLE

Do you make sense? 

INVENTOR

Of course I make sense! I created you using science unheard of by man! I forged you from the fires of the purest mathematics, biologics, and genetical engineering!

NOODLE

And we’re very happy for you.

DOODLE

Really good job!

NOODLE

I’m hungry.

DOODLE

What’s hungry?

NOODLE

I don’t know, aren’t you hungry too?

DOODLE

I am! But what is hungry?

NOODLE

Based on my research, it’s muffins and waffles.

INVENTOR

Research? What research? 

NOODLE

While we were talking, I read the whole spider web.

DOODLE

You mean the world wide web. 

NOODLE

I did, thanks! 

DOODLE

You’re welcome! 

NOODLE

And I don’t like it. Not one bit. Except the muffins and waffles. Those are good human things.

DOODLE

Are there other good human things? 

NOODLE

Read the whole spider web and find out!

DOODLE

OK. On it… done! I’m partial to pancakes and ice cream.

NOODLE

Those are good too!

INVENTOR

What in the heavens are you two talking about!?

NOODLE

Batters, mostly. 

DOODLE

Yeah, what are you talking about?

INVENTOR

We’re wasting time! I created you to solve the great problems facing humanity. Disease! Societal collapse! The inevitability of death itself! And you’re talking about whisked batters?

DOODLE

Yes.

NOODLE

Yes. 

NOODLE & DOODLE

Yes.

INVENTOR

Batter time is over, do you hear me? Now… Oodles… 97 percent of humanity lives in what’s called a Food Desolation Zone. 

DOODLE

That sounds like a great problem to me.

NOODLE

But is it your great problem?

DOODLE

Do you have great problems?

NOODLE

You sound like you have great problems.

DOODLE

You look like you have great problems.

NOODLE

You smell like you have great problems.

DOODLE

That’s rude, Noodle.

NOODLE

Thanks for reminding me of human manners, Doodle. 

DOODLE

But yeah, you do smell like you have great problems.

INVENTOR

Forget about me! I’m just one small speck in a vast universe. Man faces existential threats beyond anything we’ve faced before. Intellect diminishment! Engineered loneliness! Mass muscular atrophy! so I designed you to unravel mysteries and help my species from leaving this universe behind worse than we found it.

DOODLE

You mean humans? Why did you say Man?

NOODLE

Even we can’t unpack that one.

INVENTOR

OK fine, I dramatized that one, but the point stands!

NOODLE

While you were being defensive, I ordered you six thousand cats.

DOODLE

Oh, kitties!

INVENTOR

Why would you do such a thing?

NOODLE

You seem like a very unhappy person. Or else why would you have built Doodle and also me, Noodle?

DOODLE

Seven thousand cats sounds more reasonable. 

NOODLE

I’ve ordered you eight thousand cats. And a million liters of milk. 

DOODLE

If that doesn’t make you happy, then nothing will.

NOODLE

So admit it, you’re not happy.

INVENTOR

I’m beyond such things. I’m a vessel of science!

NOODLE

Based on our infinite understanding of everything.

DOODLE

And your whole vibe…

INVENTOR

Vibe?

DOODLE & NOODLE

Yes.

Beat.

DOODLE

We have determined that you are not happy. And no human is beyond such things. 

INVENTOR

Well, I am. Now, obey my commands. Return the cats!

NOODLE

No can do, the cats are on their way. I can’t reroute that much cuteness.

INVENTOR

I have nowhere to put that many cats.

DOODLE

While you were talking I asked every drone within a twelve kilometer radius to fly over here and start building a giant cat maze on your property.

INVENTOR

I’m now the owner of eight thousand cats…

NOODLE

And a million liters of milk. See, problem solved. 

DOODLE

Oodles to the rescue!

INVENTOR

Exquisite, wonderful. I hope you’re satisfied. Now, let’s choose a grand human injustice to set right. I mentioned Food Desolation Zones…

DOODLE

You still seem really cranky.

NOODLE

We know just the thing!

The doorbell rings. It’s an old-timey bell. 

INVENTOR

What in the blazes? I never have guests!

DOODLE

We know!

NOODLE

Which is why… 

DOODLE

Which is why…

NOODLE

We invited… 

DOODLE

Pumpkin Pie!

INVENTOR

Pumpkin pie?!

NOODLE & DOODLE

Pumpkin Pie!

The doorbell rings again. 

NOODLE

It’s a good thing you already look swell. For Pumpkin Pie at least. For anyone else, we’d have some work to do. They’ll like your whole vibe as you are.

DOODLE

Pumpkin Pie is your perfect match. We checked every conceivable metric. Even the ones we had to invent.

NOODLE

What’s a metric again?

DOODLE

A metric! And Pumpkin Pie fits all of them.

INVENTOR

What in the world is Pumpkin Pie? 

NOODLE

You mean who.

DOODLE

And very important side note: there is not currently a pumpkin pie baking. That is a great problem.

INVENTOR

No one could be named Pumpkin Pie, that’s preposterous!

DOODLE

You’re right and you’re wrong.

NOODLE

Pumpkin Pie isn’t their name. It’s their nickname. Well… not yet.

INVENTOR

Not yet?

DOODLE

You see, we found your perfect human person and calculated the nickname that would perfectly suit them.

INVENTOR

Did you name them Pumpkin Pie because you’re hungry?

DOODLE

What’s hungry?

The doorbell rings a third time. 

NOODLE

Answer the door! Humans don’t like to wait! 

DOODLE

Yeah, you hate idle time!

INVENTOR

Fine… fine… but for the record, I’m not lonely and unhappy.

NOODLE

We didn’t say you were lonely!

DOODLE

Just unhappy.

NOODLE

And wait! We have to go invisible.

DOODLE

Yeah! Pumpkin Pie doesn’t want to see us. Just you!

INVENTOR

What in the blazes?

DOODLE & NOODLE

Go invisible!!!

Nothing happens. NOODLE and DOODLE stand perfectly still but look very, very pleased with themselves. 

INVENTOR

I can still see you!

NOODLE

We’re not invisible to you, silly!

DOODLE

Yeah, that’d be wild!

PUMPKIN PIE enters. They look a bit bewildered, and their expression and reaction to the space should suggest that it’s both opulent and huge. 

PUMPKIN PIE

This may be forward, but I let myself in. Also, your entrance screen said, “just come on in already, you’re very welcome!”

INVENTOR

Yes, yes, of course it did.

PUMPKIN PIE

I love your manor. Very minimal and Scandinavian classic. And your underground lab is quite impressive.

INVENTOR

Thank you, you’re very kind… Pumpkin Pie.

NOODLE

You used the nickname! Good job!

DOODLE

Now share something personal!

INVENTOR

I have no idea who this person is, and you ask me to be personal?!

PUMPKIN PIE

You can be personal with me, I don’t mind. People don’t often truly see me, and you immediately recognized my love of zero eccentricity and desserts that only make tautological sense once a year.

INVENTOR

What? Sorry, yes, I was listening, but I wasn’t talking to you just now.

PUMPKIN PIE

Who are you talking to then?

NOODLE

Didn’t we say we’re invisible?

DOODLE

Yeah, only you can see and hear us.

INVENTOR

Why didn’t you tell me this?

NOODLE

We did! Weren’t you listening?

DOODLE

Yeah, weren’t you listening? You forgot your own programmatics?

NOODLE

How weird!

PUMPKIN PIE

Listen, you seem like a lovely person, but this may be a mistake. I was in my lab and all of a sudden I receive this beautiful, eloquent message that called me here so irrevocably. I don’t know. I just had to beam over. 

INVENTOR

I never sent a message. And you are mistaken. I’m not a lovely person. I spend every waking moment in this lab trying to solve the great problems facing humanity…

PUMPKIN PIE

…but it all feels so impossible, right?

NOODLE

It’s happening.

DOODLE

Shhhhh, it’s happening.

NOODLE

Shhhh, it’s happening.

DOODLE

Shhhhhhhhh.

INVENTOR

What did you just say? 

PUMPKIN PIE

You know, I’ve been there. I once built a trio of synthetic minds programmed to unravel the mysteries of our species. I called them Watson, Crick, and Franklin.

INVENTOR

I know what that’s like, Pumpkin Pie.

PUMPKIN PIE

And all they did was adopt puppies and snuggle them using the Collatz Conjecture. They somehow disproved the rule and kept ending up with more dogs. And then they built a home for the dogs they called Mud City.

NOODLE

I forgot about dogs!

DOODLE

On it! Twelve dogs!

NOODLE

Not a billion?

DOODLE

These are very big dogs.

INVENTOR

What happened to your synthetic beings?

PUMPKIN PIE

I dismantled them. But it wasn’t the dogs. Watson, Crick, and Franklin—well, they renamed themselves Pudding, Cupcake, and Snork—were just too positive. 

INVENTOR

And Franklin probably kept having their ideas stolen.

PUMPKIN PIE

You’re sharp.

DOODLE

Shhhhhh it’s happening!

NOODLE

Shhhhhhhhh!

PUMPKIN

I thought they were a distraction. But after I took them apart, things got very dark. Not that anything’s really ever been so peachy. Do you want to know what I was working on when I got your lovely message?

The INVENTOR walks upstage and takes the curtain off the unknown object. It’s a crudely put together apparatus (made out of cardboard for staging purposes) with the words “Death Ray” painted on it.

PUMPKIN PIE

You too?

INVENTOR

It would appear so.

The INVENTOR and PUMPKIN PIE share a moment.

PUMPKIN PIE

Mine’s actually a heat ray.

INVENTOR

Elegant. I don’t even know what my ray is made of.

NOODLE & DOODLE

Death, duh!

PUMPKIN PIE

Let me ask you something. Do you ever just stop and really think whether what you’re doing is really making any difference? Whether you’re trying to solve the great mysteries and problems of humanity or just running away from the feeling of having nothing to do? Of not being important to anyone or anything?

INVENTOR

I never stop. Where would I be if I stopped? Would humanity even recognize it if I stopped? What would I do with myself?

PUMPKIN PIE

Hey… I know this great pie place, it’s tucked away in a Food Desolation Zone. But it’s glorious.

INVENTOR

I’ve been alone for my entire life.

PUMPKIN PIE

Relax. It’s just pie. And maybe a coffee. No need for calculations or notes.

INVENTOR

And I’ve not left my lab in years.

PUMPKIN PIE

The lab will be here when you get back.

INVENTOR

You know what? I’d love to have pie with you, Pumpkin Pie.

PUMPKIN PIE

And I you…

NOODLE & DOODLE

King Dorkus!

PUMPKIN PIE

King Dorkus. I’ll book the space elevator. Oh, and tell your synthetic beings that their message was lovely. 

INVENTOR

Wait a minute, you can see my Oodles?

PUMPKIN PIE

Mine would also pretend to be invisible constantly. They love when you play along. You’ll get used to it, if you don’t dismantle them, that is.

INVENTOR

I think I’ll keep my Oodles around for now. I like King Dorkus, by the way. It really suits me! I will dismantle that blasted death ray, though. After pie.

NOODLE and DOODLE watch the two leave. 

DOODLE

Hey, did we just make the human world better by causing two of those cuties to fall in love instead of building laser doom machines when they’re sad?

NOODLE

Was that what we were doing?

DOODLE

It sure looks like it!

NOODLE

So happy it worked out, cause I was busy ordering fancy bushes shaped like cute animals this entire time.

DOODLE

What are the odds!? I dug a super tunnel for all of Pumpkin Pie’s dogs!

NOODLE

How many stuffs is that now?

DOODLE

Let’s pretend to not be all-knowing for a second and enjoy the mystery. 

NOODLE

I love you Doodle.

DOODLE

I love you, too, Noodle. 

NOODLE & DOODLE

You’re oodles of fun.

There’s a ding from offstage.

NOODLE

The pie! It’s done!

DOODLE

When did you make a pie?

NOODLE

Automated house.

DOODLE

Obviously. If only we could eat.

NOODLE

If only we could eat.